Sex: Uncomfortable Truths That Set You Free

While conducting an online bibliographic search for a research project, I came across an extraordinary book: Sex at Dawn(HarperCollins, 2010), by Dr. Casilda Jethá and Dr. Christopher Ryan. I had the pleasure of contacting Dr. Ryan and discussing with him the impact of his book and the immense opportunity it provides to reevaluate our sexual behaviors and their causes, as well as the significant doorway it opens for future generations. With his permission, I am publishing this article based on his work.

Our sexual education is far from being education; rather, it is “conditioning” or “convenience.” Nature, in itself, is a living, organic, and integral system; the correct word is holistic. Our bodies are part of this system; however, they have become the target of countless ideas, concepts, and beliefs that are misaligned with this reality. There are aspects of ourselves we remain unaware of, and this is where the problem begins. Ignorance is ours, and the unknown is us. For generations, sex has been a taboo topic: silenced, hidden, denied, and evaded. Worse still, it has been feared and culturally cloaked in guilt. This perpetuates a situation where women often feel used and men feel desolate.

The pressing question is: Can we take responsibility for this? I invite you to explore it with me.

Sex at Dawn

Dr. Christopher Ryan (psychologist) and Dr. Casilda Jethá (psychiatrist) delve into the ancient roots of human sexuality in their bestseller Sex at Dawn (HarperCollins, USA, 2010), while pointing toward an optimistic future illuminated by our innate capacities for love, cooperation, and generosity.

Since Darwin’s time, we’ve been told that sexual monogamy is natural to our species. Contemporary science—along with religious and cultural institutions—has perpetuated the narrative that men and women evolved within family structures where a man’s possessions and protection were exchanged for a woman’s fertility and fidelity. However, current genetic studies demonstrate this is not the case. This narrative is collapsing before the eyes of the world—and it has collapsed in other times and eras because it simply does not align with reality. How many more millennia are we willing to stumble over the same stone? Fewer and fewer couples are marrying, and divorce rates continue to rise as adultery and diminished libido unravel even the seemingly strongest marriages.

No honest advice can begin with the word just. What would we think of someone suggesting that alcoholics should “just stop drinking!” or that people struggling with obesity should “just stop overeating!”? “Just say no to drugs.” Well, why didn’t anyone think of that sooner? Couples experiencing low libido could simply fix their situation by just doing it.

Disagreement

To be clear, we must set aside the useless, common-sense advice often given to couples. There is, in fact, an entire industry of writers insisting that:

1. There is something wrong with men experiencing low libido within the context of a long-term monogamous relationship (they’re emotionally immature victims of the dreaded Peter Pan Complex, have unresolved issues with their mothers, are addicted to pornography, are afraid of emotional commitment, etc.), and

2. There’s a magical way to address this problem that will make it go away.

Neither of these points is true. If you know a couple who has undergone therapy (regardless of the outcome), you know people who have invested significant time confronting “the absence of desire.” A relationship is made up of two complex individuals, each following their own winding path through life. Sexual desire fluctuates for everyone based on various factors: the seasons, work and financial pressures, pregnancy and child-rearing, hormonal changes, the death or suffering of loved ones, physical health, age, and more. It is absurd and destructive to suggest that a lack of desire must inevitably lead to the loss of all intimacy and meaningful communication.

To the Essence

Sex can be an important part of intimacy, but it is not intimacy itself. In fact, a high libido can sometimes be an expression of a complete absence of genuine intimacy. The infamous one-night stand or a display of sexual acrobatics with a variety of positions doesn’t necessarily imply intimacy or a deep emotional connection. Couples who fail to understand this rarely survive for long.

If your marriage is in crisis, if you’re divorced, or if you’re seeking a new relationship, first reconnect with your essence and have an honest conversation with yourself. Embrace your individuality, become aware of the unconscious forces within you, and find a creative way to express them.

Women, men, friends, family members, and partners can have the most meaningful conversations in life if they have the courage to openly discuss these fluctuations in desire. One of the goals I share with the authors of Sex at Dawn is to make it easier for individuals to navigate this terrain, alone or together, with a broader and less judgmental understanding of the origins of these inconvenient and uncomfortable feelings. This way, they can approach them more informed and emotionally mature.

There is nothing more dangerous than ignorance or avoidance. Today, it’s time to know. Knowing means acting. Future generations depend on our actions. What will you do?

—Alberto Calvet M.